It's been a week since I declared online my facebook fast for the month of July. I'm happy to report that on two or three occasions this week, I was tempted to check facebook to see what everyone was up to (and add my witty two cents worth to status updates) and I remembered my resolve and didn't get online. However, in baseball terms, I think it would be fair to say that I've batted about 25. (I'm not into sports other than cycling, so I think that perfect is 1000, right?) I confess that I've checked my News Feed at least once (if not twice) each and every day. Sure, I haven't played (or even cheated) at Words With Friends, or spent hours of time reading everyone's posts and sharing articles, witty memes, or looking at all the wonderful summer fun photos y'all post.
But still, I realize that I'm addicted. It's surface-y fun that can sometimes go deeper...but not really. I'm not transparent on facebook, and sometimes lately, I've been falsely upbeat and cheerful when I was really the opposite. Y'all haven't known how hard the last few weeks have been for me. It's not the kind of thing you post on a facebook status.
"(5pm)Rebecca L is trying to get out of bed today. Divorce sucks."
or
"Rebecca L's heart feels like it's being shredded with a cheese grater. Who knew paperwork could be so hard!"
The whole purpose of this resolve is to be more intentional, and honest with relationships - both with my friends, and with God. The deep parts of my heart long for the connections that I avoid when I give myself an anesthetic dose of facebook.
Even in my failure, I have gotten a few things done.
1. I have finally finished reading Larry Crabb's difficult to read book Shattered Dreams. (it only took a 18 months...give or take a week).
2. I've also finally finished Jed's Christmas present...from last year (or maybe the year before?? eek!)
3. And I spent most of the day yesterday in my Spare 'Oom going through memory after memory (after memory). I've lived in my sweet Haven for over 500 days. The door to that room has been opened for a total of *maybe* 50 minutes during that time. Spending the day there, and leaving the door open on purpose overnight is kind of a big deal.
When I first braved the far land of Spare 'Oom earlier this week, I found a notebook filled with sermon notes from the 1990's! (I know! Ancient historical artifacts, right?)
Here is one that kinda blew me away, and seems to fit this post.
Scarcity vs. Intimacy
Long for a limp
"You can have everything, God...except:
*my ability to hold people off
*my ability to run away
* my stubbornness
* my rested soul
* my fear
* my anger
* my loneliness
(I'm guessing Steve Shores was preaching that week because I wrote next "Thank you Steve for opening up")
Jacob - one who reaches too far
Isaac must have been somewhat deaf as well
If I hold back from God, so also He will hold back from me - not by choice, but because I will not let Him love me freely.
In our grief, He brings us to a place where we have no choice to submit - O that we could be there always!
(Then I ask God) Why did you have to hurt my back?
(Maybe the answer follows??). Thank you for your affliction for the revealing of part of your purpose for me
Stubbornness gets in the way!!
- because of our stubbornness they only come to blind us further
- we don't see God's blessing
- we don't see other people's stories
What is MY name???
God fights with us when we hold onto our things.
God fights FOR us when we give all to Him.
To prevail with God is to cling and open up
Limp - he needed a reminder
1. Show me my characteristic response to pain
2. Show me how that makes me self sufficient
3. Show me what repentance looks like
4. Help me humble myself and actually repent
5. Give me the grace to keep walking
Let's see what happens with week 2.
Becca, definitely a descendant of Jacob.
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