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Sunday, March 20, 2011

the Jogging Monk and the Exegesis of the Heart

So, I read this article that was recommended to me by a friend and counselor.
At first glance, it's a neat article about meditating on scripture. I get that. I like it. Letting scripture sink into my heart is one of my favorite things to do. It fills me up in the warmest of ways. Studying scripture (Exegesis) is a favorite intellectual activity, but one that leads me to applying it to my life (usually). So, at first glance, I didn't get why my friend suggested it that I read it. I didn't see it. In the story the monk tells the seminary student to look at a passage. The seminary student spends hours on it and meets again with the monk who tells him to spend another entire day on the passage - that he didn't get it yet. This goes on another day or two. I emailed my friend: "Why did you suggest it? I'll laugh if you tell me to spend another day meditating on it." His reply: "That's funny. Spend another day meditating on it."

I did laugh.

That was Saturday morning. It's now Sunday evening and I have (0n and off) spent two days of letting my thoughts wander to the article. Most often I get hung up on the passage in Luke and the author's response comparing it to my own experiences of late.

I am separated from my husband. Some of my close friends hail the courage it took for me to take a retreat from my husband. My parents are shamed and worried. Other friends want me to have nothing to do with reconciliation.

What did Mary go through being unmarried and pregnant? I'm sure Joseph (after the visit from the angel) hailed her courage, others were shamed and worried....and still others may have shunned her.

Have I found favor with God? Did I make a big mistake? Are all my struggles, heartaches, lessons and these new grey hairs for nothing? What if we don't get back together? What if he leaves me?

Seriously, have I found favor with God? Certainly I'm not being chosen to bear God's only son...but to some degree, God must think I have something - courage, strength, trust, and enough of that something, whatever it is, to learn about long suffering in this manner.

Even though I am living with the most wonderful friends, things aren't simple. I deeply long for the comforts of home - just not the abuse and rejection I found there. It has been 4 long months. The changing of the season right now is another reminder that I have been gone for a long time. I worry that the increased length of our separation could mean a decreased likelihood of our reconciliation. Is it wrong to think of statistics when God is involved?

Maybe I can force Kip to trust God and fix everything in his heart that has been broken or worn down over the years - by tomorrow. .... or worse, when he doesn't run the gauntlet for me and perfectly fit the image I have for a husband who longs for his wife to return, I can turn away from him, shunning him and all of his efforts. Both are temptations that defy even my own sometimes twisted logic.

"The next day we met again. In despair I told him that I simply could not do what he was asking. It was then that the wisdom beneath the jogging clothes became evident: "You're trying too hard, Jim. You're trying to control God. You're running the show. Go back and read this passage again. But this time, be open to receive whatever God has for you. Don't manipulate God; just receive. Communion with Him isn't something you institute. It's like sleep. You can't make yourself sleep, but you can create the conditions that allow sleep to happen. "

Here's a big one. Control. My controlling nature - the part of me that shakes a fist at God and demands that things go MY WAY - has been rearing it's ugly head a lot more than I care to admit lately, and in more areas than just my marriage. Seeing this ugliness pour out of me is humbling. I can be grateful for it because I am now made more aware of how much I need Jesus, and grace. He still loves me, despite my bad choices, the temptations of my wayward heart, and my crippling fears. Isn't that amazing?

How is it, with such an intense and all encompassing love, that I still don't 100% trust my Abba? How is it that I don't have such unwavering faith, that I can wait patiently, allowing the Holy Spirit to show me what it is that I need to know, in His timing. Kip shouldn't have to run the gauntlet for me; but there are some things that he should accomplish before it is safe for me to return. What are those things exactly? When will I know in my heart that it truly is time? Why isn't God answering my questions right now? Where do I find the kind of trust that keeps me afloat when Kip finally repents, that allows me to have an open heart ready to receive him despite my longing to shun him and make him feel the hurtful rejection that I so often have felt from him in our marriage?

That kind of trust seems too big of a burden for me to bear. How can I show gentleness and bravery like Sarah, who had a child long past her child bearing years? Will I find courage like Ruth to confront the one who is hurting me?

The last I heard from my friend about meditating on the article was "Take even two days if you need to." Is two days long enough? Do I need to meditate more... or simply spend time in Abba's loving gaze allowing him to melt my fears?


Sunday, February 20, 2011

New Creation, A Tale of Two Lovers

I know a lady who is becoming a new creation, and is seeing Abba create beauty and strength out of the ruins of her marriage. Here is a bit of their story. Names have been changed to protect their identities.

Abigail and her husband, Nabel have been separated now since Thanksgiving. Their marriage had disintegrated to the point that they were little more than roommates sleeping under the same room. Nabel had lost his job, and had left the God of his youth. He was miserable and depressed - some would say oppressed as well.

Earlier in the fall, Gail had sought counsel from a trusted local Christian counselor. She had been seeing him faithfully for months, but Nabel refused to see that he needed help, too. Finally, her sorrow and anxiety had gotten the best of her, she was fearful, wounded, depleted and battle fatigued. Her counselor saw the danger of where she was heading and suggested a retreat. In her spent state, she moved in with friends, not knowing how long it would be.

Gail tells me that when it first happened, she wasn't sure if they'd ever get back together or not. She even worried that he'd end up killing himself. His depression was that bad. Her heart was filled with worry and anxiety. In God's mercy, that very weekend, there was a healing seminar that dealt with removing Anxiety and Fear given by Operation Lightforce ministries. Isn't it neat how Abba works?

Another way God showed up was oddly enough through Goodwill. Years and years ago, being a lover of everything Larry Crabb and Dan Allender, she purchased one of Dan's books about marriage called Intimate Allies. After reading it, some 10 years ago, she gave it to a friend who was about to get married who in turn donated it to Goodwill. Amazingly, their counselor's wife found the book, with her maiden name written on the inside of the 2nd page, and purchased it.

Nabel, who never read anything she ever suggested, was so amazed that the book had found his beloved, yet estranged wife again after so many years, began reading it and digesting all that was inside. His eyes were opened to all he had been doing to her, to the pain he caused, and more importantly, to a new vision of what he should be as a husband provider. He began to see his bride as an image bearer of Christ, a beloved treasure. Nabel was earning a new name. He was becoming a Boaz.

The rest of their story is yet to be written. Gail is learning to receive Abba's love - the kind of love that casts out fear. She is learning about her worth, how she needs obedience and discipline; and she sees the need for courage, as well as how she was enabling Nabel's anxious rage and depression. She longs to be the kind of wife that 1Peter 2 and 3 describes.

Nabel is learning to trust. He is bravely examining the events of his life that have bred anxiety, rage and low self image. He is venturing into the realm of risk taking. Gail loves that he refers to the time she left him as his "waking". He fears going to sleep again.

They both are learning about how to truly love and accept each other. They both are learning about trust and how to listen and share.

Gail longs to move back home....I sure hope she is able to do so soon. I know how much she misses her husband and how she longs to begin the rest of their story.