Promises Spoken In The Stars

Tonight I was grieving ever so deeply in my car, in my driveway, frozen to my cell phone-the only apparent link to sanity.

My hurt has been so very big.

They say grief comes in waves. Mine was a literal tsunami threatening to devour all that I know. I didn't see it coming, but it pressed me, persecuted, and struck me down.

Then, for one brief moment, I stepped out of the car. The moonlight drew my gaze upwards, and I saw.

My eyes saw, but more importantly, my heart saw.

It was such a simple display. A clear, black (but somehow bright) sky with a handful of scattered stars, two long whispy clouds illuminated by the brightest ever 1/2 moon.

I couldn't breath - the beauty and the BIGness of it all.

 There aren't words.

....

Now I'm inside having cried my way through a box of Kleenex.

The tsunami of grief didn't dissipate, my heart legs are still paralyzed, my soul continues to be famished, and my will dehydrated.

But that moment, where my heart and eyes saw the same thing, reminds me that my Abba is here. And my Heavenly Daddy is bigger than any of the tremendous hurts we have.

And I can say "I am pressed, but not crushed, persecuted not abandoned, struck down, but not destroyed, I am blessed beyond the curse for His promise endures, and ...

His joy comes in the morning."

Temporary Fills And The Love That Hems Us In

1st off, I just have to say that it's wrong to be convicted while preparing a Sunday School lesson for 3 & 4 year olds. Just wrong. :-)

Last week I realized that I had stopped eating supper. It felt easier to make a cup of ice cream. It started last November around the time of the big anniversary. So last week I bought a bag of ripe bananas instead and some microwave meals, and cans of soup. I made smoothies and made *some* other better-for-me food choices. (It takes a lot of energy to be responsible)

Last week also was when I started grieving again. I'm sure our time on Wednesday, followed by week one of the Divorce Care study (which focuses on allowing time for grieving and healing), followed by a meeting at Church about my pastor leaving had something to do with it.

Needless to say, I was drained on Thursday. A co-worker was mean to a student that day. I had to deal with her manipulative crap on Friday when the student miraculously wanted to share his feelings. A child. with Autism wanted to *share his feelings*! She refused to talk to him. (Yeah...I'm still upset over that one.)

Friday evening, I risked spending the evening with 6 ladies I really don't know because Megan wouldn't take no for an answer when she invited me to Bunco night. (Does Megan ever take no for an answer?  hehe) Towards the end of the evening, it was finally my turn to hold Megan's 2 week old baby. As she slept in my arms, I cried.

Saturday morning. Still crying. Saturday afternoon,...yeah...in between customers, I was still crying.  I confess I succumbed to Blue Bell again Saturday night. Then I started preparing my Sunday School lesson on 1 Timothy...something about the love of money being the root of all evil. It morphed into loving God more than anything else. My plan ended up including the Story of the Israelites grumbling in the wilderness and then Moses getting the 10 Commandments. I wanted to talk about Jesus being at the top of our Valentine's list, and compare a toy donut to a real one. The toy donuts being the things we think will give us joy, and the real donut being the One Thing that gives true joy.

...and in the back of my mind, there is a thought. Is it possible that my inappropriate love for Blue Bell Ice Cream has kept me from grieving.Am I now feeling November, December and January's grief? Pushing that thought over to the side I dash to my car, feeling prepared with the lesson Abba and I ended up with. Armed with heart shaped donuts for snack, I drive off, plugging in my iPod.

http://m.youtube.com/watch?v=T0ip40j82ws Kari Jobe's song comes on...and my heart bursts open once again.

The next song that popped up was equally fitting.

...and on the way home from church, Mandisa's song "No more Temporary Fills" *happens* to play in the shuffle.

I'm reminded of something I told a friend who was exasperated saying she "almost lost it". I'm so glad to know that I can 'lose it' and still be hemmed in behind and before.  I was losing it, but Abba hemmed me in with 4 year olds and songs on my iPod shuffle.