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Friday, August 23, 2013

A Price Paid


The other day I ran out of gas.  Yes, I made a couple unwise decisions with money right about the time I had to go to court.  I'm aware there are always consequences for bad choices.  Reggie had promised to pay for half of the divorce.  My insurance checks seem to be lost in the mail, and I didn't get paid up front for the house sitting I'm doing now - which is also why I'm out of gas at this point.  

My choice is to either ask for an advance of my pay from my friend's soon to be going out of business furniture store, or call Reggie to hold him accountable for his promise.

Desperation is the mother of courage.  I'm sure of this.

I called.  He responded nicely enough, but eventually made me pay.

I'm still wondering why he thought it was a good idea to show me current pictures of the husband who was supposed to be my forever partner in life, my protector, my lover,  and my best friend.  Oh!  How it hurt.  The Kip in the photo was the grey bearded man in the vision I had so long ago.  The one that kept me going, filled with hope.   But this man wasn't free.  This man wasn't worshipping and strong.  He was a shadow standing there blissfully covered in radioactive slime.  

I have gas in my car.  I have even eaten out.  I also celebrated the courage given me which helped me stand in the midst of the trial and inevitable grief.  (Thank you, Abba)

 I shouldn't have had to pay heart currency, too.

Sunday, August 11, 2013

Judgement Day


In a divorce, the plaintiff (which has to be me in this case because of Kip's medical condition) files a complaint.  Everyone concerned is given time to be notified.  Monies are paid and papers notarized and filed.
Then a date is given to all parties to appear before the judge.  At that time, he will fill in the blanks of a Judgement document.  ...and by his or her authority, it's over.

...legally over.

At first I was excited about Judgement Day.  It was a promise for justice.  I sent out a mass email to my closest friends saying :

"A day I have desperately tried to avoid, a day I have feared, dreaded and severely grieved, and a day I am now relieved and anticipating is finally here.  
Truly the end was 18 months ago when Kip crossed the line and refused to come back.

So, now this is the beginning.

Because of this paperwork, Kip will be provided for in his nursing home until the day he passes on; and because of this paperwork, I am free to move forward. I'll be able to adopt!"


But now that Judgement Day is fast approaching (4 days, 6 hours and 44 minutes)  I'm not ready.  

I want someone to go in my place. Maybe I could find the money to hire a lawyer for just that part of the divorce?  

Are you seeing the parallel I'm seeing?   I understand more clearly the idea of a final Judgement Day and going before the throne to be held accountable for my life's choices.  Jesus is so incredibly full of sacrificial love for me that He appears before the throne in my place, so that the Father only see's His Son's purity.  

So, even though I'm panicking about Thursday, I'm so much more grateful for my Savior and the way he intercedes on my behalf.  ...maybe that will give me enough strength to face the earthly judge?