Promises in the Rain

I actually wrote this in am email a few years ago...but this weekend, when everything seemed to go wrong, I remembered, and just like that day I am choosing surrender. 

...

Last night, on the way home - in the mist, I realized something.  When Tim asked me, the night of the attack, if I wanted him to come pick me up, my heart was actually screaming "Yes!!  Please!!! Save me!!  Come to my rescue!  Don't leave me here!  I'm not safe!"  But pride, shock, the way I listened to the lies of the enemy that were coming from Kip's mouth, and the way I allowed those lies to tell me I wasn't worthy of being saved got in the way of those words.  I foolishly stayed.  

I allowed a few tears to fall last night.  But reigned them in as I have been doing all along.  

Then, this morning, everything went wrong:  

*It was raining, and my windshield wipers are still not working.  

*My cell phone battery was dying and the only charger I can find for it got stuck in the tape deck in the truck (don't ask).  

*My co-workers are crying and discouraged with challenges at school.  This is a tough time of year for Autism. 

*My new cast/boot broke (again!!) and as a result, I have a new place on my body that is hurt (my heel) ... 

I call in to school and head to Dr. J's office to have my boot looked at.  A temporary fix and a promise to call the manufacturer and I'm on my way to school...but not really, because the truck wouldn't start.  It wasn't the battery, the radio worked; it just wouldn't start.  

So I did what any good Christian woman would do.  I cried... a lot.  It was good, necessary, and down right cathartic.  

Gathering my senses, I called B's house, only the children were home.  So, I called the C's; and I'm so grateful for the way Doug C listened as I blubbered "Everything is broken!  The truck won't start, my cast..(insert everything else from the list above)... and my marriage is broken, my husband is broken, and my heart.  My heart is broken."  I was sobbing pretty hard.

You know in the boat during that storm with Jesus and the disciples?  I wonder if the disciples needed to cry like that too so that they could come about to a point of faith?  The waves were breaking, the ship was breaking, their courage was breaking, and like me, they had no control of any of it.  So they cried...like I did.  (well maybe not quite like I did...)

When Lydia got there. she held me and comforted me and was so gentle.  I go to show her what the truck was doing (or not doing) - and much to my shock and amazement, it started!  Paige came too. Abi had called her.  She hugged me, but said firmly, fussing at me "Becca, where is your faith?  God is BIG. Were you crying out to God or just crying?"  

It's funny, the contrast between my two friends' responses.  I needed both of them. Abba knew that.

As I was following Paige to Bethlehem to get the truck fixed it hit me.  I "get" what the disciples must have felt in the boat that day when it was storming.  Where was my faith?

Deut 31:6 Be strong and courageous. Do not be afraid or terrified because of them, for the Lord your God goes with you; he will never leave you nor forsake you.

(Later)

Mr. AmazingMechanic just called about Kip's truck.  There was a bad connection on something. The thing with the wipers is not good news, and he is going to look into what all needs to be done to fix it.   At this point, I don't know what I need to do about transportation.  

With the truck in the shop, I've decided to skip school altogether.  Abba has officially "made me to lie" in this comfy chair in front of a sweet smelling tree in an empty house.  The truck is being looked at, and things will work out at school however they work out.  Most importantly, though, I'm taking this day to rest.  Abba knows I need it.  If it's true that shepherds used to break the legs of their wandering lambs in order to keep them in the pasture, I think it's safe to say that I'm sweetly broken and I surrender.

A Multifaceted Healing

You know how you check your spedometer when passing a police car-EVEN if you have the cruise control on?

In Christ, we have SO much untapped authority.

I became very aware of this when I met a visiting pastor from Kenya.  It wasn't that he was 6ft something and had a booming voice-because I've seen that same authority in a little Vietnamese man who barely hit 5 ft.  

I was encouraged to go hear about this Pastor's ministry one Sunday (or Wednesday?) evening years ago.  I almost didn't go because of the amount of pain I was in from a rotator cuff injury.  Anti inflammatory treatments weren't working and a tear was suspected.  

As we were leaving, my friend suggested that I ask him to pray for my shoulder.  We were all standing at the exit and I summoned the courage to ask, not feeling worthy to ask, let alone expect my request to be granted.

His prayer was thick with confidence and power - I "checked my spedometer" in my heart, and stood a little more at attention.  I knew I was in the presence of someone who was in charge.

When he finished praying, he asked me if my shoulder felt better.  I felt a little fearful to respond truthfully ...because it was worse than ever. Tears were welling up in my eyes.

What happened next took me by surprise.

This man, who was intensely in touch with the authority ALL of us have in Christ (but never seem to act like it exists), prayed again.  

Longer.  

More intensely.  

I was dumbfounded.  The pain was gone.  The numbness in my hand was gone.  I didn't need my next dose of the pain meds I had been taking for weeks.  My range of motion was back to normal.  

But I think *more* importantly, my heart was strengthened.

Afterwards, driving home (I can point to the spot on 29th where it happened) I had what I think could be called a vision.  It was like a dream, but I was very much awake.  The sky in the corner  of my windshield seemed to peel back and I saw such a lovely and precious sight.  

Right about that time was when things in my marriage began to fall apart.  My husband was frustrated with work (and life in general), and was taking those frustrations out on me.  His treatment of me was emotionally and verbally abusive.  He was bound by his rage, and bound by doubt and despair.  

The vision I saw contained Hope.  

I saw my Hank Hill look-a-like husband worshipping on the front row of a congregation with his arms raised to heaven, his more salt than pepper bearded face was relaxed and joy filled, and his heart freed- He was even wearing a Hawaiian shirt!

That vision stayed alive in my head and heart for the next five years - which were the most painful and devastating of my life this far.  I held tightly to that hope as it gave me the courage to seek help.  

Because, after he lost his job, he began to drink.  The verbal and emotional abuse became physical.  

My experience with that Kenyan pastor's authority, paired with God-is-in-control trust gave me the courage to set boundaries and leave when the boundaries were destroyed by a new rage.

Even though I had to leave, I was still hoping he could heal, still believing he could choose freedom.  

That Kenyan pastor's authority was no greater than mine or yours.  But it illustrates so well that my command of my own authority was (is still) lacking.  

Matthew 8:5-13

The Faith of a Centurion

 When he had entered Capernaum, a centurion came forward to him, appealing to him, “Lord, my servant is lying paralyzed at home, suffering terribly.” And he said to him, “I will come and heal him.” But the centurion replied, “Lord, I am not worthy to have you come under my roof, but only say the word, and my servant will be healed. For I too am a man under authority, with soldiers under me. And I say to one, ‘Go,’ and he goes, and to another, ‘Come,’ and he comes, and to my servant, ‘Do this,’ and he does it.” When Jesus heard this, he marveled and said to those who followed him, “Truly, I tell you, with no one in Israel have I found such faith. I tell you, many will come from east and west and recline at table with Abraham, Isaac, and Jacob in the kingdom of heaven, while the sons of the kingdom will be thrown into the outer darkness. In that place there will be weeping and gnashing of teeth.” And to the centurion Jesus said, “Go; let it be done for you as you have believed.” And the servant was healed at that very moment.