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Sunday, October 3, 2010

Rebel Without a Cause

It seems that I'm no longer a Yankee at heart. I will always consider Boone County to be my home; but in my heart I realize that I'm a Rebel in that I'm wanting my own rights and needs met. In a sense I need to return to the Union. I need to learn about obedience. The kind that comes from the heart. The kind that isn't coerced. The kind that brings about good for everyone involved.

It was said to me the other day that maybe I have such a rage in my heart when it comes time to deal with discipline because I don't feel known. It hit me that he was right. When I was a little girl, my parents would fight with me to get me out of bed. All I remember is that continuous fight, morning after morning. Yelling "Get up, you're late!"....and the cut down "You were born late, and you've been late ever since." It hurts. I'm not known in a way that cherishes my image when things like that are said.

I remember the first time I felt loved first thing in the morning. I wanted to get up. I was happy to get up. I didn't resist jumping out of bed. I was known, cherished and my best interest was in focus.

Now, I know my parents had my best interest at heart, and they were going through their own struggles with my brother. I wasn't making it easier for them by being so stubborned. But, I wasn't known. I felt ignored, left to fend for myself. I retreated into the safety of my imagination through literature. I retreated into the safety of perfectionism. If I was good enough, nothing could hurt me. I disciplined myself by beating myself up for not getting things right. I didn't know or cherish even myself.

Will discipline be easier if I remember how much my Abba loves, adores, cherishes and truly knows me?