Grief and Anger

Grieving sucks.

This morning, it hit me. The cause of my recent lack of discipline (aka. disobedience) is anger.

When am I going to be resigned to the fact that this is my lot in life?

He gets to be a kid again. He'll even have his butt wiped in time. He gets to watch movies, chew tobacco, and have someone bring him his meals - every day!

Yay! that I get to finally fulfill a lifelong dream of caring for children. But what about the husband to share it with?
I really miss intimacy. Really. A lot. The way he used to stare into my soul... Those few, brief moments of being naked and unashamed. I miss the private jokes. The sweet walks. Movie time. Sharing sorrows. The joyful hunt for things that will bless him. Being delighted in just for being feminine.

I've paid a terrible price for being able to sleep on the left side of the bed and decorate the house any way I want.

...but I'd pay it again to have this freedom from his demanding control. I'd pay it again to learn my worth. I'd pay it again and again to be safe from emotional and physical harm.

I'm angry at Kip for choosing comfort over health, drunkenness over sobriety, and anesthesia over pain. I want to do that. I want to eat all the gelato I desire. I want to spend my days knitting and enjoying the sun shining through the windows. I want to leave the house messy and have someone else take care of the laundry and dishes - and cat hair.

Why don't I want to make healthy food choices?

Why is it glorious to cook, clean and do laundry for a child, but not so for me?

Why am I avoiding the risk of new relationships at church?

When will I see my worth responded to and fleshed out in daily life? If I hate me, and I am an image bearer...Whom am I really hating?

When will I be grateful for the exposure of my sin?

Isaiah 30:15 This is what the Sovereign Lord, the Holy One of Israel, says:

“In repentance and rest is your salvation,

in quietness and trust is your strength,

but you would have none of it."

...resting still hurts. Why do I waffle so, when I have experienced the Truth?

Aren't you glad this is a process? Praying for strength to depend / rest on Abba's strength


edit: Check it! The little letter above rest in verse 15 leads me to Exodus 14:14 - one of the most beautiful verses to the broken hearted and weary (at least to me)