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Wednesday, September 8, 2010

Wisteria in my Heart

It's killing me to realize that my perfectionism might be hurting other people. I don't expect it from other people, but my expectations for myself are way too high. :( I hate that. To inadvertently hurt someone I love brings me sadness and the realization makes me want to be rid of it even more.

One hard part for me right now is that I am so much more aware of different situations where I can see it in my life. It pervades so many regions of my heart...an ugly weed with many roots.

There was a time I thought my perfectionism could be tamed and would be a benefit. Like the most beautiful weed Wisteria, it's proving to be parasitic. I'm sure there are areas in my life where it has helped. I have a greater attention to detail. I have a heightened awareness to what I perceive to be the big picture as well as the finer details. It would be fair if someone said to me that I have a narrow view of the truth. What I think is the big picture is just my version of a situation without God. If I truly had the Big Picture in my sights, I wouldn't be hurting other people. I wouldn't be so selfish. I might let many more things go.

Why is it that I'm grieving so much? This isn't a dream dying....is it? I really love Wisteria and I want to hold onto it...but I don't know how to without hurting both myself and the people I adore.

Oh Abba, hold me.

Sunday, September 5, 2010

She's Barely Got A Dime

There's a line in a Mitch McVicker song that says "Blessed are the poor in spirit - Thank God! Cuz she's barely got a dime..."

When I looked up the Beatitudes just a minute ago in The Message translation, I was tempted to be still and examine how this applies to me. Then I was tempted to run. Now I know it must be the right thing to look at it....usually if I'm tempted to run, it's probably something that needs a truth light to shine and make the ugliness go away.

So here goes....

3"You're blessed when you're at the end of your rope. With less of you there is more of God and his rule.

The first day of school this year, I was terrified. I wasn't ready. A sweet teacher reminded me "When you are weak, then He is strong." A light went off in my heart. I knew how incredibly weak I was. Therefore, God was going to make up for what I lacked and the day had no choice BUT to be a fantastic day. I was relieved. I guess I only allow those days once in a while. Having a string of them makes me feel like I'm less of a person. Flawed in some horrifying way.

4"You're blessed when you feel you've lost what is most dear to you. Only then can you be embraced by the One most dear to you.

...Wow. Control shouldn't be something that is held as dear. No wonder I don't feel Jesus' embrace when I lose it. :( I'm sorry, Abba for cherishing the wrong things.

5"You're blessed when you're content with just who you are—no more, no less. That's the moment you find yourselves proud owners of everything that can't be bought.

...I've always struggled, as a teacher, with feeling like I am adequate for the job. I was driven to the point a few years ago to undergo the torturous National Board Certification process solely because I needed the confirmation that I was doing a good job. Why do I need so much affirmation? Can't I be comfortable with who I am?

6"You're blessed when you've worked up a good appetite for God. He's food and drink in the best meal you'll ever eat.

...(I don't want to type this part) When I'm busy, there isn't time to be hungry. It's funny how discipline for hunger looks like abstinence. Discipline for Manna involves daily trust, consuming of Jesus' body and blood through the cleansing of my soul, and drinking deeply of Him. (busy-ness)Being consumed vs. (meditative rest) Consuming and being nourished.

7"You're blessed when you care. At the moment of being 'care-full,' you find yourselves cared for.

...if I'm focused on how well I look or how well my plans flesh out...I'm not truly caring for the precious lives I've been trusted with. Father, forgive me for not loving your children.

8"You're blessed when you get your inside world—your mind and heart—put right. Then you can see God in the outside world.

...Holy Spirit, I don't know how to do this. Look at my Spiritual TO DO list above. It feels impossible. When is there time in a day to rest? I know, nothing else will go right if I don't make that time...but it feels so impossible; and it means that I've been working SO HARD on the wrong path. Again with the failure.

......

Cliff Hanging

Last week I found myself distraught by the way my day went. Everything I tried to do ended up being interrupted by one "emergency" or another. In my frustration, I began creating a TO DO list (a dangerous thing to do at the beginning of the school year!) By the end of the day, I scrapped my plans and had the kids work on their About Me books instead. The TO DO list I started was a MESS. To fix that, I ended up creating categories for the list. The TO DO on Computer list ended up taking 2 entire sheets of notepaper; and many of the things from that list were going to eventually have to be transferred to the TO DO Cut 'n Paste list! (a page long already & requiring an estimated 10 hours to complete).

It was a daunting task - looking at the vast amount that still needs to be done. I didn't have the heart to add things like "finish my bulletin board display" or "make curtains to cover the shelves". Those things would have to wait.

As a burst into tears over my inability to do all the things that I felt HAD to be done, and the ruin (in my eyes) of a perfectly planned day for my students, a friend began to talk to me about the bar I set for myself to be successful. He asked "What would it look like if you have another day like this?" I replied emphatically, "well, that would be unacceptable!" The image that popped into my head was one of me hanging from a branch feet from the top of a cliff. I didn't make it to the top. The top (that bar of success that I set for myself) is where I have control of the day and where I feel safe.

My friend asked the unthinkable next. "What would happen if you fell?"

What???

You know that fear we have when we fall in dreams and thankfully get to wake up before we hit bottom? The feeling I had when he said that was like I was in that dream and didn't have the luxury of waking up. To fall, to fail, is to die.

Why do I feel that way? I don't look at my students' failures that way. Failure is an opportunity to celebrate. We know what doesn't work now. "We get a chance to learn! YAY!!" I tell them.

Why do I consider interruptions to be failure. I can't control them. ....you probably already guessed this. My fears must be connected to relinquishing control and being okay with it.

So, now I wonder if this exploratory mission that I've accepted is really to delve into the reasons I desire to control things. Is it simply The Fall and my curse? I recently heard a teacher on the radio say that in Genesis 3:16 a woman's cursed desire for her husband, really meant that she was desiring the control he has been given.

But The Message translates it:

16 He told the Woman:
"I'll multiply your pains in childbirth;
you'll give birth to your babies in pain.
You'll want to please your husband,
but he'll lord it over you."

so...maybe not?

Is it about trust? Do I trust God to make things okay? Do I trust Him enough to allow him to have control of a day that already belongs to Him (and not me)?

no.

I don't.

When the rubber hits the road, no matter how much I 'know that I know that I know' that He is worthy of my trust and affection, I so often find myself leaning on my own understanding and falling, then getting angry about it. And I cry. I make my TO DO list and draw my map that leads me back to the place of control.

But Control is really a cliff...and I fall every time.

Matthew 5:3-8 The Message

3"You're blessed when you're at the end of your rope. With less of you there is more of God and his rule.

4"You're blessed when you feel you've lost what is most dear to you. Only then can you be embraced by the One most dear to you.

5"You're blessed when you're content with just who you are—no more, no less. That's the moment you find yourselves proud owners of everything that can't be bought.

6"You're blessed when you've worked up a good appetite for God. He's food and drink in the best meal you'll ever eat.

7"You're blessed when you care. At the moment of being 'care-full,' you find yourselves cared for.

8"You're blessed when you get your inside world—your mind and heart—put right. Then you can see God in the outside world.