Wisteria in my Heart

It's killing me to realize that my perfectionism might be hurting other people. I don't expect it from other people, but my expectations for myself are way too high. :( I hate that. To inadvertently hurt someone I love brings me sadness and the realization makes me want to be rid of it even more.

One hard part for me right now is that I am so much more aware of different situations where I can see it in my life. It pervades so many regions of my heart...an ugly weed with many roots.

There was a time I thought my perfectionism could be tamed and would be a benefit. Like the most beautiful weed Wisteria, it's proving to be parasitic. I'm sure there are areas in my life where it has helped. I have a greater attention to detail. I have a heightened awareness to what I perceive to be the big picture as well as the finer details. It would be fair if someone said to me that I have a narrow view of the truth. What I think is the big picture is just my version of a situation without God. If I truly had the Big Picture in my sights, I wouldn't be hurting other people. I wouldn't be so selfish. I might let many more things go.

Why is it that I'm grieving so much? This isn't a dream dying....is it? I really love Wisteria and I want to hold onto it...but I don't know how to without hurting both myself and the people I adore.

Oh Abba, hold me.