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Sunday, March 20, 2011

the Jogging Monk and the Exegesis of the Heart

So, I read this article that was recommended to me by a friend and counselor.
At first glance, it's a neat article about meditating on scripture. I get that. I like it. Letting scripture sink into my heart is one of my favorite things to do. It fills me up in the warmest of ways. Studying scripture (Exegesis) is a favorite intellectual activity, but one that leads me to applying it to my life (usually). So, at first glance, I didn't get why my friend suggested it that I read it. I didn't see it. In the story the monk tells the seminary student to look at a passage. The seminary student spends hours on it and meets again with the monk who tells him to spend another entire day on the passage - that he didn't get it yet. This goes on another day or two. I emailed my friend: "Why did you suggest it? I'll laugh if you tell me to spend another day meditating on it." His reply: "That's funny. Spend another day meditating on it."

I did laugh.

That was Saturday morning. It's now Sunday evening and I have (0n and off) spent two days of letting my thoughts wander to the article. Most often I get hung up on the passage in Luke and the author's response comparing it to my own experiences of late.

I am separated from my husband. Some of my close friends hail the courage it took for me to take a retreat from my husband. My parents are shamed and worried. Other friends want me to have nothing to do with reconciliation.

What did Mary go through being unmarried and pregnant? I'm sure Joseph (after the visit from the angel) hailed her courage, others were shamed and worried....and still others may have shunned her.

Have I found favor with God? Did I make a big mistake? Are all my struggles, heartaches, lessons and these new grey hairs for nothing? What if we don't get back together? What if he leaves me?

Seriously, have I found favor with God? Certainly I'm not being chosen to bear God's only son...but to some degree, God must think I have something - courage, strength, trust, and enough of that something, whatever it is, to learn about long suffering in this manner.

Even though I am living with the most wonderful friends, things aren't simple. I deeply long for the comforts of home - just not the abuse and rejection I found there. It has been 4 long months. The changing of the season right now is another reminder that I have been gone for a long time. I worry that the increased length of our separation could mean a decreased likelihood of our reconciliation. Is it wrong to think of statistics when God is involved?

Maybe I can force Kip to trust God and fix everything in his heart that has been broken or worn down over the years - by tomorrow. .... or worse, when he doesn't run the gauntlet for me and perfectly fit the image I have for a husband who longs for his wife to return, I can turn away from him, shunning him and all of his efforts. Both are temptations that defy even my own sometimes twisted logic.

"The next day we met again. In despair I told him that I simply could not do what he was asking. It was then that the wisdom beneath the jogging clothes became evident: "You're trying too hard, Jim. You're trying to control God. You're running the show. Go back and read this passage again. But this time, be open to receive whatever God has for you. Don't manipulate God; just receive. Communion with Him isn't something you institute. It's like sleep. You can't make yourself sleep, but you can create the conditions that allow sleep to happen. "

Here's a big one. Control. My controlling nature - the part of me that shakes a fist at God and demands that things go MY WAY - has been rearing it's ugly head a lot more than I care to admit lately, and in more areas than just my marriage. Seeing this ugliness pour out of me is humbling. I can be grateful for it because I am now made more aware of how much I need Jesus, and grace. He still loves me, despite my bad choices, the temptations of my wayward heart, and my crippling fears. Isn't that amazing?

How is it, with such an intense and all encompassing love, that I still don't 100% trust my Abba? How is it that I don't have such unwavering faith, that I can wait patiently, allowing the Holy Spirit to show me what it is that I need to know, in His timing. Kip shouldn't have to run the gauntlet for me; but there are some things that he should accomplish before it is safe for me to return. What are those things exactly? When will I know in my heart that it truly is time? Why isn't God answering my questions right now? Where do I find the kind of trust that keeps me afloat when Kip finally repents, that allows me to have an open heart ready to receive him despite my longing to shun him and make him feel the hurtful rejection that I so often have felt from him in our marriage?

That kind of trust seems too big of a burden for me to bear. How can I show gentleness and bravery like Sarah, who had a child long past her child bearing years? Will I find courage like Ruth to confront the one who is hurting me?

The last I heard from my friend about meditating on the article was "Take even two days if you need to." Is two days long enough? Do I need to meditate more... or simply spend time in Abba's loving gaze allowing him to melt my fears?