Cliff Hanging

Last week I found myself distraught by the way my day went. Everything I tried to do ended up being interrupted by one "emergency" or another. In my frustration, I began creating a TO DO list (a dangerous thing to do at the beginning of the school year!) By the end of the day, I scrapped my plans and had the kids work on their About Me books instead. The TO DO list I started was a MESS. To fix that, I ended up creating categories for the list. The TO DO on Computer list ended up taking 2 entire sheets of notepaper; and many of the things from that list were going to eventually have to be transferred to the TO DO Cut 'n Paste list! (a page long already & requiring an estimated 10 hours to complete).

It was a daunting task - looking at the vast amount that still needs to be done. I didn't have the heart to add things like "finish my bulletin board display" or "make curtains to cover the shelves". Those things would have to wait.

As a burst into tears over my inability to do all the things that I felt HAD to be done, and the ruin (in my eyes) of a perfectly planned day for my students, a friend began to talk to me about the bar I set for myself to be successful. He asked "What would it look like if you have another day like this?" I replied emphatically, "well, that would be unacceptable!" The image that popped into my head was one of me hanging from a branch feet from the top of a cliff. I didn't make it to the top. The top (that bar of success that I set for myself) is where I have control of the day and where I feel safe.

My friend asked the unthinkable next. "What would happen if you fell?"

What???

You know that fear we have when we fall in dreams and thankfully get to wake up before we hit bottom? The feeling I had when he said that was like I was in that dream and didn't have the luxury of waking up. To fall, to fail, is to die.

Why do I feel that way? I don't look at my students' failures that way. Failure is an opportunity to celebrate. We know what doesn't work now. "We get a chance to learn! YAY!!" I tell them.

Why do I consider interruptions to be failure. I can't control them. ....you probably already guessed this. My fears must be connected to relinquishing control and being okay with it.

So, now I wonder if this exploratory mission that I've accepted is really to delve into the reasons I desire to control things. Is it simply The Fall and my curse? I recently heard a teacher on the radio say that in Genesis 3:16 a woman's cursed desire for her husband, really meant that she was desiring the control he has been given.

But The Message translates it:

¹⁶ He told the Woman:

"I'll multiply your pains in childbirth;
you'll give birth to your babies in pain.
You'll want to please your husband,
but he'll lord it over you."

so...maybe not?

Is it about trust? Do I trust God to make things okay? Do I trust Him enough to allow him to have control of a day that already belongs to Him (and not me)?

no.

I don't.

When the rubber hits the road, no matter how much I 'know that I know that I know' that He is worthy of my trust and affection, I so often find myself leaning on my own understanding and falling, then getting angry about it. And I cry. I make my TO DO list and draw my map that leads me back to the place of control.

But Control is really a cliff...and I fall every time.

Matthew 5:3-8 The Message

³"You're blessed when you're at the end of your rope. With less of you there is more of God and his rule.

⁴"You're blessed when you feel you've lost what is most dear to you. Only then can you be embraced by the One most dear to you.

⁵"You're blessed when you're content with just who you are—no more, no less. That's the moment you find yourselves proud owners of everything that can't be bought.

⁶"You're blessed when you've worked up a good appetite for God. He's food and drink in the best meal you'll ever eat.

⁷"You're blessed when you care. At the moment of being 'care-full,' you find yourselves cared for.

⁸"You're blessed when you get your inside world—your mind and heart—put right. Then you can see God in the outside world.