Sometimes I look at something I've posted on facebook or instragram (or both) and marvel at myself. What was I thinking? Not only did I *purchase* a milkshake that contained Oreo cookies (and a side of gluten) for the first time in 8 months (yes eight) - I dropped it, and then *actually* tried to salvage what didn't actually touch the sidewalk....and when the cold stark reality of a milkshake-less night loomed, I took a picture.
Wouldn't you? :)
Here's what I posted with the picture: "I stood in disbelief at least 10 seconds...then I realized (too late) the 5 second exemption was void. #IConfessIWasCheating #JesusLovesMeEnoughToSlapItOutOfMyHands #crimedoesntpay #newmotto #ThroneBeforeCone"
As funny as it truly is, I was still despairing last night. The hard stuff of new creation living seemed too much. I spent almost 13 hours at school that day and wasn't anywhere close to being finished. After a fitful night of "sleep" (if you can call it that), I turned around and did it again. It's a busy week and I'm not sure I can get everything done in time with all that's going on.
No surprise that the Bible Study theme of the week has been "Enough". I've meditated on passages like the story of the widow who didn't have hardly any flour and oil left - and yet what remained fed she and her son for quite a long time.
At the core of my being, I'm convinced that God is bigger than anything I encounter.
Yet, I doubt it when the sky turns dark and the wind picks up. Is He really bigger than the storm I'm about to encounter? Do I have enough enjoyment of the healthier choices of food I've been eating? Does my crunchy refrigerated protein laden, super minty "skinny chocolate" really satisfy better than the (almost immediate) heartburn causing, calorie laden creamy hazelnut "bliss" I used to treat myself to?
I know...duh? (we think together in hindsight)
So. Wanna know the sweet song Abba woke me up with this morning. The words except for "My soul cries out!" were muted. My soul was still crying out.
While getting ready, I found it on my phone and played it.
Yeah. I cried. Abba's love is more than enough. I forgot. Oh Abba, I'm so sorry I forgot. I cried, too, knowing that the mess I had left on the sidewalk was being washed away by the downpour of rain I was listening to from my haven's bedroom.
Your mercy rains from heaven
Like confetti at a wedding
And I am celebrating
In the downpour
Your heart is wild with colour
Like a never-ending summer
You burn away the winter
Of my cold and weary heart
My soul cries out holy, holy
My heart is lost in Your beauty
All hope is found in Your mercy
You paid the price now I am
Finally free
Your grace, oh God's the anchor
That's holding me forever
Come trouble or high water
I am steadfast
Yeah, you lift me when I'm sinking
Like the swell of mighty oceans
The power of redemption
Yeah, it gives me wings to soar
My soul cries out holy, holy
My heart is lost in Your beauty
All hope is found in Your mercy
You paid the price now I am
Finally free
We'll cast our crowns before Him
Like the rusting leaves of autumn
Now every chain lies broken
And finally we're free
My soul cries out holy, holy
My heart is lost in Your beauty
All hope is found in Your mercy
You paid the price now I am
Finally free
The images of winter thawing are like the way Abba has been causing my fat to melt away. I joke with everyone that since I'm technically not trying any particular plan, nor counting anything that it's His gift to me so I'll fit on the planes for the upcoming trip to Kenya. (But I'm not really joking, I know the discomfort and shame I've been freed from too well.)
-and the idea of a never ending Summer to a worn thin teacher. (no words) <3 nbsp="" p="">
I'm SO #grateful for mercy, and for the beauty of His mystery being SO vast that the songwriter's heart is *lost*.
I am a beloved daughter who has been freed from the chains of hopelessness and despair. Jesus paid my debt while I was still undeserving.
I'm still a mess. ...just not a hopeless one.
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