Promises in the Rain

I actually wrote this in am email a few years ago...but this weekend, when everything seemed to go wrong, I remembered, and just like that day I am choosing surrender. 

...

Last night, on the way home - in the mist, I realized something.  When Tim asked me, the night of the attack, if I wanted him to come pick me up, my heart was actually screaming "Yes!!  Please!!! Save me!!  Come to my rescue!  Don't leave me here!  I'm not safe!"  But pride, shock, the way I listened to the lies of the enemy that were coming from Kip's mouth, and the way I allowed those lies to tell me I wasn't worthy of being saved got in the way of those words.  I foolishly stayed.  

I allowed a few tears to fall last night.  But reigned them in as I have been doing all along.  

Then, this morning, everything went wrong:  

*It was raining, and my windshield wipers are still not working.  

*My cell phone battery was dying and the only charger I can find for it got stuck in the tape deck in the truck (don't ask).  

*My co-workers are crying and discouraged with challenges at school.  This is a tough time of year for Autism. 

*My new cast/boot broke (again!!) and as a result, I have a new place on my body that is hurt (my heel) ... 

I call in to school and head to Dr. J's office to have my boot looked at.  A temporary fix and a promise to call the manufacturer and I'm on my way to school...but not really, because the truck wouldn't start.  It wasn't the battery, the radio worked; it just wouldn't start.  

So I did what any good Christian woman would do.  I cried... a lot.  It was good, necessary, and down right cathartic.  

Gathering my senses, I called B's house, only the children were home.  So, I called the C's; and I'm so grateful for the way Doug C listened as I blubbered "Everything is broken!  The truck won't start, my cast..(insert everything else from the list above)... and my marriage is broken, my husband is broken, and my heart.  My heart is broken."  I was sobbing pretty hard.

You know in the boat during that storm with Jesus and the disciples?  I wonder if the disciples needed to cry like that too so that they could come about to a point of faith?  The waves were breaking, the ship was breaking, their courage was breaking, and like me, they had no control of any of it.  So they cried...like I did.  (well maybe not quite like I did...)

When Lydia got there. she held me and comforted me and was so gentle.  I go to show her what the truck was doing (or not doing) - and much to my shock and amazement, it started!  Paige came too. Abi had called her.  She hugged me, but said firmly, fussing at me "Becca, where is your faith?  God is BIG. Were you crying out to God or just crying?"  

It's funny, the contrast between my two friends' responses.  I needed both of them. Abba knew that.

As I was following Paige to Bethlehem to get the truck fixed it hit me.  I "get" what the disciples must have felt in the boat that day when it was storming.  Where was my faith?

Deut 31:6 Be strong and courageous. Do not be afraid or terrified because of them, for the Lord your God goes with you; he will never leave you nor forsake you.

(Later)

Mr. AmazingMechanic just called about Kip's truck.  There was a bad connection on something. The thing with the wipers is not good news, and he is going to look into what all needs to be done to fix it.   At this point, I don't know what I need to do about transportation.  

With the truck in the shop, I've decided to skip school altogether.  Abba has officially "made me to lie" in this comfy chair in front of a sweet smelling tree in an empty house.  The truck is being looked at, and things will work out at school however they work out.  Most importantly, though, I'm taking this day to rest.  Abba knows I need it.  If it's true that shepherds used to break the legs of their wandering lambs in order to keep them in the pasture, I think it's safe to say that I'm sweetly broken and I surrender.