I turned back to Deuteronomy because I was so encouraged by what I had seen there earlier in the week.
This is the first and maybe only verse I saw:
Deuteronomy 8:4
Your clothing did not wear out on you and your foot did not swell these forty years.
Kip's last and most physically damaging attack was just days before my 40th birthday. That was the night I received the injury to my ankle - over a year and a half ago.
"...and your foot did not swell these 40 years."
So my first, and decidedly wrong thought was "What!?! I turn 40 and now, God, you are suddenly going to remove your protection?? Really?!"
what I may also have been thinking was "Don't you love me?"
I know my thinking is wrong. I know I'm not being rational. But I can't convince my heart of that yet.
This morning, I am awake quite early. I know I need to give scriptures another shot...but I'm not ready. Maybe I can listen to an audio version? I have James and the two letters to the Thessalonians on my iPod.
I laugh now at how quickly I dismissed James. (How quickly I forget!). I thought "There is NO WAY I'm listening to that!" and speedily clicked on the Thessalonians file.
James has a reputation for being harsh. I still was longing for the coddling of a sweet, comforting, feel good passage. Surely Thessalonians would fit the bill.
I don't think I really listened to it. My heart was still closed. But I did think through and list the facts- even if my heart didn't believe, my head still knows that the truth will set me free.
1. God didn't want me to have a sprained ankle that still wouldn't be healed 18 months later.
2. He is good, period.
3. God's character never changes.
4. There is bitterness and contempt in my heart.
As I went about my incredibly busy day, I had to stop from time to time to remember breathe. In those moments, I thought about my list.
It wasn't until 7 tonight, as I was talking things through with my counselor that my heart and thoughts finally collided.
As I ticked off my list to him, confessing my sin, he commented on how it made him think of a passage in ...
wait for it....James!
I know. Right?
Looking for the verse, I scanned chapter 1 and began reading out loud here:
James 1:12-17
Blessed is the man who remains steadfast under trial, for when he has stood the test he will receive the crown of life, which God has promised to those who love him.
The immediacy of my conviction was heart breaking. I could barely see what I was reading through my tears.
If you are reading this, I have trusted you with the knowledge of the incredibly painful and traumatizing trials that Abba has brought me through in my marriage. You know of the intense emotional abuse and the final physical beating that caused me to flee my home. You know of the struggles I have had with fear and having to create a safety plan. And you also know of the many incredible ways that Abba has nested me, cared for me, and provided for me as he helped me to withstand my trials.
James 1:13-15
Let no one say when he is tempted, “I am being tempted by God,” for God cannot be tempted with evil, and he himself tempts no one. But each person is tempted when he is lured and enticed by his own desire. Then desire when it has conceived gives birth to sin, and sin when it is fully grown brings forth death.
I was convicted of the way my heart blamed God for this continued reminder of my hurt. I so long to start completely over with a clean slate. No more trauma triggers, no more painful memories, no more brokenness. I'm certain if I lived in another time, I would be one of those ladies who medicinally took opium - more to escape and forget. But I'm actually grateful I was born in a time that domestic abuse is known about. I knew to get out. I knew the cycle wouldn't stop if I became more of a doormat to keep from triggering one of his rages. I'm grateful there are people around me who are aware of domestic abuse who didn't condemn me for leaving, but instead offered me the safe haven of their friendship and support.
God isn't vindictive.
And at the same time, He isn't an enabling God. I wanted spiritual comfort food when I turned to scripture last night. I wanted the equivalent of spiritual cheesecake dripping with hot fudge.
Abba knew, is his loving wisdom that I needed James chapter 1.
James 1:16-17
Do not be deceived, my beloved brothers. Every good gift and every perfect gift is from above, coming down from the Father of lights with whom there is no variation or shadow due to change.
So, I'm grateful for this thorn, this swollen ankle that hurts every afternoon. I'm grateful for the way it makes me rest at the end of the day by putting my feet up. Putting my feet up sets the scene for taking the time to listen to my heart - to get it in a position to receive the good and perfect gifts Father has for me...in all of their forms.
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