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Monday, February 23, 2015

Songs of Obedience?

Our memory verse for March is Ephesians 6:1.  My challenge to myself this year has been to write a song that goes with the memory verse each month if a more suitable song hasn't already been written.

But when I read "Children, obey your parents in the Lord, for that is right."  ...I ...um...wasn't inspired lyrically.

at all.

I read around the passage, and all I could envision was a cheesy song without any depth.   Possibly because I'm struggling with obedience right now, myself.

Discipline isn't something I easily come by - follow through either.  I lack motivation for tasks my heart isn't into.

After spending 12 to 14 hours doing stuff for school, I'd MUCH rather spend my only free hour in the evening playing guitar than load the dishwasher, or redeem my floors with my broken vacuum cleaner - which is broken because I haven't taken some of my nightly "free time" to go to the hardware store to pick up a new belt thingy so the rotating brush will work again.

This avoidance of Ephesians 6:1 has gone on for a few weeks now.  Sad, but true.  Last week, I noticed that a chorus I previously written started morphing into a song about obedience.

...and I quickly stopped working on it! LOL

But then this was read in church today.

1 John 5 (just one chapter away from last month's memory verse for the kiddos)

"In fact, this is love for God;  to keep his commands.  And his commands are not burdensome, for everyone born of God overcomes the world.  This is the victory that has overcome the world, even our faith."

...yeah.   That.

The double edged sword, that faithful, tender, uncompromising, living Word spoke both to my avoidance of discipline and to my fear of being overwhelmed by it.  Abba adores me enough to send his Holy Spirit to instruct me - and comfort me in the process.

He delights in me enough to discipline me by speaking to me in truth and in love; and He cherishes me enough to send a brother to admonish.  This morning in church I took down these notes during Pastor Paul's sermon:

"Make war with the part of you that is not doing anything about a known sin.  Make war against apathy.  Make war against avoidance of conviction; and hold Jesus' hand...Mark 8 vs 23  

I was a bit distracted by the spit in this miracle and it tickles me that I actually wrote down:  "I don't think a song has ever been written asking Jesus to "spit on me"  ...burn my lips with hot coal?  yes.  ...but spit??"   Ha!  Can you imagine?  Though distracted, the seeds of conviction entered my heart.

Tonight I found these scriptures on the topic:

1 Samuel 15:22

And Samuel said,
“Has the Lord as great delight in burnt offerings and sacrifices,
    as in obeying the voice of the Lord?
Behold, to obey is better than sacrifice,
    and to listen than the fat of rams.

Hebrews 12

1Therefore, since we are surrounded by such a great cloud of witnesses, let us throw off everything that hinders and the sin that so easily entangles. And let us run with perseverance the race marked out for us, 2 fixing our eyes on Jesus, the pioneer and perfecter of faith. For the joy set before him he endured the cross, scorning its shame, and sat down at the right hand of the throne of God. 3 Consider him who endured such opposition from sinners, so that you will not grow weary and lose heart.

God Disciplines His Children
4 In your struggle against sin, you have not yet resisted to the point of shedding your blood. 5 And have you completely forgotten this word of encouragement that addresses you as a father addresses his son? It says,


“My son, do not make light of the Lord’s discipline,
    and do not lose heart when he rebukes you,
6 because the Lord disciplines the one he loves,
    and he chastens everyone he accepts as his son.”[a]

7 Endure hardship as discipline; God is treating you as his children. For what children are not disciplined by their father? 8 If you are not disciplined—and everyone undergoes discipline—then you are not legitimate, not true sons and daughters at all. 9 Moreover, we have all had human fathers who disciplined us and we respected them for it. How much more should we submit to the Father of spirits and live! 10 They disciplined us for a little while as they thought best; but God disciplines us for our good, in order that we may share in his holiness. 11 No discipline seems pleasant at the time, but painful. Later on, however, it produces a harvest of righteousness and peace for those who have been trained by it.

12 Therefore, strengthen your feeble arms and weak knees. 13 “Make level paths for your feet,”[b] so that the lame may not be disabled, but rather healed.

(sigh)....so, it's just possible there will be a song in there somewhere, now.

I'm so #grateful He is making me into a new creation - even if it hurts a little in the process.

At least we aren't alone.

Saturday, February 21, 2015

Two things I learned during storytime

I heart bedtime stories.  

Last night, while reading stories, (okay, one *very* long story that an adorable and precocious little boy chose with a gleam in his eye as he declared "and you're going to read the whole thing!") both children snuggled around me on the couch (think low back couch that also creates a perch), one nameless precious one became distracted by "those white stripes" in my hair.  

Both children begin searching my head for "granny hairs" to count 😳!  I blocked out the number LOL!  Why did I stop plucking them?? Probably because Grannies are awesome.  Full of love, too.  Plus, they don't take themselves too seriously.  Am I too young for grey hair?  Absolutely! (Well...not really, but shhhh 😉) 

What's the other thing I learned about storytime last night? 

 It's not about the book, and definitely is about the relationship! 

Wednesday, February 18, 2015

From the Mouths of Babes

I have the joy and honor of working with children at my church on Wednesday nights.  Each month we have a fruit of the Spirit that we are concentrating on.   This month logically is Love.  The memory verse that goes with it is 1John 4:7


In an effort to encourage the children to memorize scripture and hide it in the soil of their hearts, we are offering a prize each time a child recites it from memory.  This week was the first week.  Some of the kids were AMAZING and had it memorized very quickly tonight.  Others were SO eager to get it, or thought they had it, made a few mistakes.  Almost every child who got it wrong the first time (LOL or first few times!) consistently said this:

"Dear God, ..."

I love that.  Because God first loved us, too.  We definitely shouldn't forget to love Him.  

"Dear God, let us love one another..."

We've been talking about how to love one another well, how Jesus loves us SO MUCH that he took all of our sins upon himself.

(worthy side note:  I absolutely am amazed at the visual this video gives of that sweet sacrifice Christ made on our behalf.  It's made for young children, but I got goosebumps watching it, and was struck again at the weight of what He took on out of his *immense* love for us - even while we were still sinners.)

"Dear God, let me love and desire you more than what I think I want instead." 

It's so easy to begrudge God when I have to repent/turn away from my bad choices.  Sometimes I don't remember that choosing You brings better things (way better!) than what I imagine my way could temporarily bring.  I have to ask my self, am I loving God when I am faced with a situation that calls for rugged obedience (the hard kind).   He is already loving me so well, am I returning that love?

"Dear God, let me love you, and trust you when really hard things happen; and I'm disappointed, let down and filled with grief."

...yeah that.  I know too well that the temptation is to love myself by wrapping up in self-pity - or worse, putting on the extra blankets of contempt and bitterness.

If you want to know how much Jesus loves us, definitely watch this video!  
(-even if you're no longer a kid - or a kid at heart.)

Love you!

Tuesday, February 17, 2015

Snow Day Song - Love Abounding

Snowflakes drifting to the ground
Lilting, swirling all around
Snowflakes fall all through the night
All the land is new and white

You renew me
You restore me
You delight in me
Love abounding!

Howling winds bring nighttime fear
Morning light reminds You're near
Darkness falls, a deafening sound
Sunrise promise, Hope is found

You protect me
You are with me
And you quiet me
Love abounding!

Why am I so quick to fear?
Don't I know You're always near?
When the storms of life do blow
_Where does my courage go?

Lord you know me
You calm me
You've redeemed me
Love abounding!

Snowflakes drifting to the ground
Lilting swirling all around
Snowflakes fall all through the night
All my heart is new and white

You renew me
You restore me
You delight in me
Love abounding!

Brought to you by Red Polka Dot Pajamas, not enough snow, and the sweet love of our Emmanuel. 

Thursday, February 12, 2015

My Shade of Grey

oh my word.  OH MY WORD!  Jesus is so sweetly tender.  Truly!!!

I can't wait to tell you just one tiny way He made his love clear to me last night.

I've been struggling with this whole aging thing for weeks.

Well...months.
                                    ...ok... years.  

{back story #1}  I have always prided myself on the comments I get about my youthful appearance - especially my skin.    I've blamed it on being Swedish, being fluffy, or I pretend to blush while I'm putting another tally mark in the corner of my mind (another person agrees with my preferred opinion!)

Yup.  I'm a sinful worshiper.  A fluffy, Swedish...and now, gray-haired, idolatrous worshiper.  I even had a nightmare the other night about finding a super long silver hair that had grown unnoticed.  True story.

Y'all...
* I have PLUCKED each and every single silver hair that has ever dared to sprout out of my head completely out of my scalp.  Yet, they dare grow back.
* I joined the 20&30 something small group at church... in my 40's.
* I even started wearing a high ponytail - because I like how young it makes me look.  (Okay, also because moving the ponytail up that high removes that irritating bump I feel when I put my head against the seat rest in my sweet little bug.  I have sensory issues.)
* ...I drive a granny smith apple green convertible VW Beetle. (2nd childhood?)

You get the picture, right, I don't want to age, and I want to keep pretending that I'm young.

Years ago it was the opposite for me.  I see my elementary school students trying so hard to be older.  I see High School students chomping at the bit to finally turn 21.

What  is it that happens to the women in our culture when we turn 30?   Why all the hair dye, the wrinkle cream, and the tooth whitener?  God gave us all natural beauty.  When we watch our children grow up, we mourn the loss of nursing, but rejoice in their 1st steps.  When was it that I bought the lie that my sprouting grey hairs aren't as exciting as loosing teeth is to a kid in the first grade?

I didn't really make a New Year's Resolution, but over Christmas break, I did resolve not to become bald.  My sweet little scalp has spouted several silver and white strands lately.  Each were destroyed, but some of the surrounding golden browns have fallen to the friendly fire of my tweezers.

(my hand, and my Gram's)

{back story #2}  I recently spent the weekend at a nursing home with my precious Gram.  Oh how I love her and Grandpa SO.  Nothing like spending the night in a nursing home with the aging to bring up thoughts and fears of aging. While at prayer last week, I stumbled up onto this:

Psalms 90:1-7
A prayer of Moses the man of God.
​Lord, you have been our dwelling place
throughout all generations.
Before the mountains were born
or you brought forth the whole world,
from everlasting to everlasting you are God.
You turn people back to dust,
saying, “Return to dust, you mortals.”
A thousand years in your sight
are like a day that has just gone by,
or like a watch in the night.
Yet you sweep people away in the sleep of death—
they are like the new grass of the morning:
In the morning it springs up new,
but by evening it is dry and withered...

Aging is part of the beauty that God orchestrated from the dawn of time.  How can I claim to love Autumn - with all it's glorious symbolism, and yet despise the (beautiful?) color changes of my own head?

Don't laugh - {back story #3} (sorry)  Gram's roommate is losing her memory.  I watched her wake up each morning surprised by the handsome man in the picture only to be delighted with surprise when she remembered he was her husband.  No matter how many times I showed her how to use the faucet on the sink, she still asked for my help.

That night  she said to me "I don't know why I keep forgetting things.  I used to be in charge of everything.  Now?  Look at me."  Her grief was real.  She knew something was wrong.  I somehow finally "got" it.  There is hope even for her in the twilight of her time here.  There is purpose for the elderly. In every change of life there is something lost, and an adventure waiting to be discovered.  It's okay to grieve what is lost as long as we don't miss the joy of the mystery in our despair. Bless her heart, she has probably forgotten our conversation already.  I pray there is someone to encourage her and let her know every day that she has worth.

{finally, the story}.
I started worshiping last night, kinda late.  I found a chord, changed it, tweaked it...strummed a pattern...quieted my soul...waited, and listened.  The only phrase that came to me was "Carry me".    The melody and feel that my strumming pattern had was that of a drifting canoe.  I went with it for a while and knew that I was just scratching the surface of the new song that Jesus is writing on my heart.
Carry me
Carry my hope
Set me free

Carry me
Carry the light
let me see

Carry me
Through this fire
to Your desire

I liked it okay...but nothing really sat right except the 'carry me' part.  Those two words haunted me, beckoned me to find something more than a toddler's wish.

All day long, any time I had a second to breathe, it seemed like 'carry me' was being whispered in my heart.

Tonight, I googled "carry me Bible" hoping there was something in scripture that would lead me to a deeper understanding of what that phrase could mean.

What I found, floored me.

Isaiah 46:4
Even to your old age and gray hairs I am He, I am He who will sustain you. I have made you and I will carry you; I will sustain you and I will rescue you.

...I wept.  Jesus knows me so well.  He knows my fears.  He knows when I need a word of encouragement.

Life isn't over at 40, or 80.  It begins each morning.

- and each day we are carried and sustained...and sometimes rescued.

Tuesday, February 3, 2015

The email I forgot about writing

Shortly after obediently writing about the most heart rending part of my time in Kenya, I apparently wrote an email to Laura Story about her song "Blessings" - the one I kept on repeat for almost a month in the thick of a most difficult 'blessing'.


Here's what I wrote.  (My favorite part is at the very end.  In case you want to skip there, it's in bold print.  ...Brandon thinks that needs to be in a song.  I don't have a clue what that would look like, but I think I'm game.  Jesus makes some pretty neat things out of dust.  I can't wait to see what he makes out of a few guitar strings and a wobbly voice.
______________

I had a love hate relationship with Blessings when it came out.  On one hand it validated the suffering I was going through and spoke of a future and a hope.  On the other hand it was a daily reminder that I had to accept...and even embrace the deepest pain I've ever experienced.

Even though the melody is lilting, I won't sing the song lightly or readily.  I know how deep my suffering was, how stinging the raindrops were day after day after day.

It's taken 5 years for me to experience the redemption power in our Creator's ability and passion of creating beauty from ashes.

To me the song is a sober truth song, as sober as a beheading.

You see my husband (best friend / prayer partner / encourager / protector) lost his job  the week he turned 40.  That same week his grandfather  (hero / buddy) passed away.  Kip went into a depression that he thought only alcohol could provide relief & the abuse I suffered was hard to swallow.

We separated for 7 months during therapy and even moved back in together.  But the second honeymoon was short lived.  I actually hadn't known that he had started drinking.  The separation relaxed him because he no longer tried to hide it.  As we confronted the drinking in counseling it became clear that he was holding firm to his idol.  I was forced to leave home again.  But this time was different.  I didn't leave to save our marriage, I had to leave to save my life.

Even though he stalked me for months after I moved out, his rage turned back on himself. Within a year he was hospitalized after he was found unconscious after a drinking binge.

Kip remains in a nursing home.  He, like Nebuchadnezzar, has lost his mind.  He no longer drinks, but he no longer remembers that I even exist.  Alcohol's anesthesia and idolatry took his mind, our marriage, and my best friend.

It's been three years since I moved out.  I'm still healing physically from the beating he gave me the night I moved out.

But in my affliction, others are experiencing hope.

It's a strange beauty.  No fields of daisies to run through, but it looks good on me, and I am strong.

Thank you for being faithful to share your song.

_____________

Thanks Laura.  For both your song, and the opportunity to write out my story.