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Sunday, June 8, 2014

My Heart's Check Engine Light


For those of you whom I shared the events of Hell Week with, thank you for praying for me.  Shortly after Cordelia's check engine light appeared that evening I thought I could take no more.  I had all I could handle.  (which is true...because I was the one handling it - and not letting Abba do His thing.  

Speaking of Abba doing his thing - the Holy Spirit (such an awesome teacher!) reminded me of these verses even while I was reaching out:  

2 Corinthians 4:16-18
English Standard Version (ESV)
16 So we do not lose heart. Though our outer self[a] is wasting away, our inner self is being renewed day by day. 17 For this light momentary affliction is preparing for us an eternal weight of glory beyond all comparison, 18 as we look not to the things that are seen but to the things that are unseen. For the things that are seen are transient, but the things that are unseen are eternal.

I decided to take a deep breath (ok... 12), and most importantly, take my thoughts captive - because really, in the midst of the awful, Abba has provided and is continuing to do so.  He provided for me on Monday when I had the biggest outbreak of hives I've had to date (Eating sandwiches with a side of gluten two days in a row might not have been so wise...), and He provided for me (sometimes miraculously) in the midst of pressures at work. 

The check engine light remained on throughout the week reminding me of my continued vulnerability. I find it comforting that the tribulations continued and culminated on Thursday when I came home to the power being turned off.  I had forgotten to pay my bill and apparently had been paying a month behind possibly for several months... summertime educator poverty - I must have gotten a month behind and never caught up. 

Sometimes I wish I had a check engine light for my heart (edit:  okay...and maybe one for my budget).  Every time I thought about my car and the bright orange light desperately shouting to me "Warning!  Danger!", I was tempted to fear being stranded, fear not being able to find the resources to fix brokenness, and fear my inadequacy.

My heart's check engine light would illuminate when I give in to the fear of rejection, when I focus on only how inadequate I am (though sometimes I pretend otherwise); and when being found 'lacking' feels the same as death to my idolatrous perfection motivated heart.

When we sang "It is well..." this morning.  I remembered that sometimes the sign for "well" can be signed two different ways (maybe more):  "It is good"  or "it is calm".  

I could do nothing but release all control to the One who cares for me more than I imagine.  Just like my High School math teacher, Mr. Schrum, taught me:  look at the givens first.   

So I tell myself: 

*Peace.  Be still.  Cease Striving. 
*Jesus is in the boat in the midst of the storm.  
*Keep your eyes on Him, not the waves.
*It's all good.  
*Perfect love casts out fear.  

That last sentence reminds me of the sweetest "accidental" worship time that happened last Sunday evening - before Hell Week began.  I was writing down the words and chords to "Boldly I Approach" in my 'take these songs to Kenya' songbook and tried it out on my guitar.  Coming to the part that speaks of the bright and morning Son, more beauty than this world has known.  I continued to sing  "I'm face to face with LOVE Himself...." 

...until I was struck speechless.   

I couldn't strum.  I couldn't sing.  

It's like a solar flare erupted in my heart and the universe stopped to worship with me. It was the most beautiful moment ever. 

Moments ago, leaving church, wrapped in that Love, and stripped of counting on my "works", I walked to my car


 ...and noticed as I started it that the check engine light was no longer illuminated.  

Tuesday, June 3, 2014

A Different Kind of Practical - Prayer for the Kenya Trip (and beyond)


Abba has shown his provision in the sending, and it has blown me away.  I have seen SO clearly  the way He does things is exponentially better than the way I would choose to do them. ...I have different preferences about His timing though...and that's my sinful heart's cue to yield. :)  Our Abba is good.  He is just.  He LOVES the children we are going to visit and longs for good things in their lives.

Pray that my physical and spiritual eyes, ears and heart will be open and receptive so that I can follow the Spirit's leading in even the tiniest things;  that His ALL PERFECT love will be the love that touches lives in Kenya, on our team, during travel, at school, with my family; and that I will trust Him beyond any shadow of doubt when it comes to risk taking.

This song HIT ME (like a telephone pole - but in a good way) on the way to work this morning. It was like there was a loud speaker when he sung "take me past the line that my heart draws".

Broken Bread  by Rend Collective Experiment 

May I be broken bread.  
May I be poured out wine 
May I incarnate your kindness Lord.  
Your will done your way!  

Spend my life, Jesus
Any way you please
Whether on great things or what seems small. 
Your will done your way!

I will not fight you.  Take me past the line that my heart draws!
I will not fight you.  Take me beyond the laziness of my thoughts.
I will not fight.  Lead me further than I've gone before.
I will not fight you.  I'm abandoned to your call.

Your will done your way.

Do not let there be any part of me
that's untouchable and unreachable
Let my delight be living out your dreams
Washing dirty feet and kissing Your's!

Your will done your way.

God, let your dreams come true.  Dream through us!


Monday, June 2, 2014

Creating Nooks and Crannies


---Original Message---
(Sent before any of today's events)
I love how changing my profile picture on Facebook to Thomas' English Muffins reminds me to be open to the runny melted butter of the Holy Spirit.

Best visual ever.

....and incidentally, I wish  *daily* that I could teleport & also that
someone would get creative and install a fireman's pole in the mall area at (my school)
*7:00am ish ...Then I saw what Hubert did to the Living Room...and part of the kitchen. 
* within 10 minutes of ignoring the yarn web, I find myself itching something fierce.  At the stoplight I discover hives - a lot of them!
* 9:00 first day of EOG testing, the testing computer chides me for not coming up with a more memorable password.  Really???
* noon, 2pm, and then from 4:00-5:05pm as the deadline fast approached to appear in court again for February's telephone pole mishap fun I am repetitively ignored by my car insurance company and shamed needlessly by the DA's office.  Don't they know what kind of day I'm having? 
*3:30 a parent doesn't show for a meeting.  I have to reschedule.  There isn't time left in the year to reschedule! 
*5:00-7:30pm after the DA drops my charges (literally at the very last minute) and I have a lovely dinner and much needed playtime with a fascinating little girl, I think it's over. 
...aaaand cue the check engine light! (I know...big surprise, something ELSE is wrong with sweet Cordelia Humbug. *eye roll*)
I'm seriously grateful for the strength of the reminder this morning, and for the sweetness of the new songs sung last evening.  

Because it would be quite tempting to say today was THE worst. day. ever.

-and I suppose it still can earn that title if I let my complaining comfortable idol worshiping self take over.  

In a perfect world I'd like to take the hits without wanting to crawl under a rock, without thinking I "deserve" a Coke and a Smile....and without needing for someone else to sit by the fire with me commiserating while I scratch my hives with pot shards. 

In a perfect world I can easily rejoice in my sufferings, knowing they produce endurance, and endurance produces hope (which never disappoints!!)  & in a perfect world, I can post something like this to my Facebook page.

You know. It was a horrible day. But there were some super sweet bright spots....and I really am grateful for all the little craters formed in my heart by the day's events...because maybe, just maybe (okay, probably definitely...) these craters are creating more surface area on my hear ...like English muffins....and when the Holy Spirit covers me (like melted butter) there will be loads more of me covered! (And I'm SUPeR grateful for the way my attention was drawn to the sermon example before anything went wrong today!)

I wonder what today holds...

Looking into the rising sun I realize how little the events matter.  I know that Love Himself holds today - and me ... He holds me.