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Monday, July 22, 2013

Grief and Anger



Grieving sucks.

This morning, it hit me. The cause of my recent lack of discipline (aka. disobedience) is anger.

When am I going to be resigned to the fact that this is my lot in life?

He gets to be a kid again. He'll even have his butt wiped in time. He gets to watch movies, chew tobacco, and have someone bring him his meals - every day!

Yay! that I get to finally fulfill a lifelong dream of caring for children. But what about the husband to share it with?
I really miss intimacy. Really. A lot. The way he used to stare into my soul... Those few, brief moments of being naked and unashamed. I miss the private jokes. The sweet walks. Movie time. Sharing sorrows. The joyful hunt for things that will bless him. Being delighted in just for being feminine.

I've paid a terrible price for being able to sleep on the left side of the bed and decorate the house any way I want.

...but I'd pay it again to have this freedom from his demanding control. I'd pay it again to learn my worth. I'd pay it again and again to be safe from emotional and physical harm.

I'm angry at Kip for choosing comfort over health, drunkenness over sobriety, and anesthesia over pain. I want to do that. I want to eat all the gelato I desire. I want to spend my days knitting and enjoying the sun shining through the windows. I want to leave the house messy and have someone else take care of the laundry and dishes - and cat hair.

Why don't I want to make healthy food choices?

Why is it glorious to cook, clean and do laundry for a child, but not so for me?

Why am I avoiding the risk of new relationships at church?

When will I see my worth responded to and fleshed out in daily life? If I hate me, and I am an image bearer...Whom am I really hating?

When will I be grateful for the exposure of my sin?

Isaiah 30:15 This is what the Sovereign Lord, the Holy One of Israel, says:

“In repentance and rest is your salvation,

in quietness and trust is your strength,

but you would have none of it."

...resting still hurts. Why do I waffle so, when I have experienced the Truth?

Aren't you glad this is a process? Praying for strength to depend / rest on Abba's strength


edit: Check it! The little letter above rest in verse 15 leads me to Exodus 14:14 - one of the most beautiful verses to the broken hearted and weary (at least to me)

Saturday, July 20, 2013

A Letter to a Foster Child's MostVIP

Dear Birth Parent,

     I am honored to be able to partner with you in caring for your child.  I want you to know that I will do everything in my power to give your baby all the love and care he or she will need.   You have such an important place in your child’s life.   I want you to know that I will make sure your child knows how big your love is, and how hard you are working to ensure that you both are reunited as soon as possible.  I can’t imagine how hard it must be for you to be separated from someone so precious; and I am grateful for all the help you are giving me to be able to get to know your child (likes, dislikes, talents, struggles, comforting routines, and interests). 

     I can imagine that you want to know more about me.   I am single and work as an elementary school special education teacher.  I have a lot of experience caring for infants and children of all ages; and I adore what I do.  Some of my after school interests include knitting, reading, bicycling, music, helping with children’s worship at church, pets, and technology.  I attend a non-denominational church that is Bible based.   I love the Lord, believe strongly in the power of prayer, thoroughly enjoy modern-style worship, and strive to lead a lifestyle that is full of grace. 

     I think of my home as a haven - a safe place for resting, playing and growing.  Your child will have room to run and play in the yard, do crafts, play with toys and games, learn self-help skills, and have as much help as needed in school.  My main goals as a classroom teacher are to make sure my students are safe, healthy, and learning about being respectful and responsible citizens.   I hope to do this in my home as well.  

     I am glad that I am available to offer support to your child and will strive to help both of you to stay connected as you are THE most important person in your child’s life. 

With gratitude,


Rebecca (aka “Miss Becca”)

Saturday, July 13, 2013

Status Messages Not Posted




Guess what!?!  It's raining!  

"Time heals," people often say.  This is not true when it means that we will eventually forget the wounds inflicted on us and be able to live on as if nothing happened.  That is not really healing;  it is simply ignoring reality.  But when the expression "time heals" means that faithfulness in a difficult relationship can lead us to a deeper understanding of the ways we have hurt each other, then there is much truth in it.  "Time heals" implies not passively waiting but actively working with our pain and trusting in the possibility of forgiveness and reconciliation."  ~Henri Nouwen

Hubert is a big Aslan fan.  

Favorite quote from church this morning: "God did not write the bible to prove that there were dinosaurs."

Because sometimes it's not a good idea to put the top down...especially when it Won't. Go. Back. Up.  #gratefulforgasstationroofs (oh wait, I posted that)

Mom, stop worrying.  The nice man at the gas station helped me get the top back up - @Mom. (Yeah, I posted that, too)

Oh wow!  It's raining! #BIGsuprise #flooding #stateofemergency

Love getting letters in the mail that ask me if I'd like to have an uncashed insurance reimbursement check from a year ago reissued.  #yesplease 

Is it wrong that I'm missing the rain?  #norainfor2days

I've decided that thunderstorms make conditions in my haven most favorable for knitting.  #scardycatshiding

Ummm....I think lightening struck way too close to my little humbug.  #yesIscreamed #loudly #Iscreamlikeagirl

 Lightening taking out the Internet *right* at the finish of a 4 hour race?  #TDF 🚴🇫🇷 #1stworldprobs 

Gotta love waking to a strange beeping sound.  I'm running down my mental list of truths before I get the courage to check it out.  1.  I'm not associated with the mafia.  2.  It did sound a bit like the microwave.  3. Lots of t-storm activity last night.  4.  Maybe it's a smoke detector?  #I'mgoingin (it was the stove)

Pretty sad when Gracie Mae turns out to be the braver of the three of us scardy-cats 

I figured out why cat owners take pictures - it's the only way to prove they exist.  #scardycatshiding

Check it out!  Another letter received about a check that I never cashed.  "Would you like the check re-issued?"  Umm...yes! :)

Gratitude list entries for the week:

  • repentance and rest doing their thing
  • amazingly soft alpaca yarn 
  • super fun Tour de France stages
  • furniture sales (YAY)
  • the way Aussie's pronounce the word debut "day-boo"
  • getting organized 
  • being able to clean out the spare room without bawling
  • domestic violence advocates 
  • social workers 
  • finished projects (alpaca knitted pillow! - looks and feels comforting)
  • kitty snuggles
  • being able to enjoy my last days of summer 
  • TWO uncashed check letters received from BCBS - yay for future checks being mailed!
  • landlord offering to be part of my home study so DSS can know that my home is well taken care of and that he's a safety resource in case I even need anything.  
  • prayer time with friends
  • family dinners
  • Lydia's cooking
  • continued pain in my ankle
  • antibiotics - even when they wreak havoc in my digestive system.
  • baskets
  • Swedish movies on Netflix
  • alarm clock songs that remind me of appropriate priorities. 
  • Abba - all powerful, all loving, merciful, and yet just.
  • a super cute high chair from my Cuz
  • frozen banana and chocolate almond milk smoothies
  • hope of visiting my friend Mandy in Greensboro!
  • rain
  • broken convertible tops

Friday, July 5, 2013

Scarcity vs. Intimacy 1 (week 1 - facebook fast)


It's been a week since I declared online my facebook fast for the month of July.  I'm happy to report that on two or three occasions this week, I was tempted to check facebook to see what everyone was up to (and add my witty two cents worth to status updates) and I remembered my resolve and didn't get online.  However, in baseball terms, I think it would be fair to say that I've batted about 25. (I'm not into sports other than cycling, so I think that perfect is 1000, right?)  I confess that I've checked my News Feed at least once (if not twice) each and every day.  Sure, I haven't played (or even cheated) at Words With Friends, or spent hours of time reading everyone's posts and sharing articles, witty memes, or looking at all the wonderful summer fun photos y'all post.  

But still, I realize that I'm addicted.  It's surface-y fun that can sometimes go deeper...but not really.  I'm not transparent on facebook, and sometimes lately, I've been falsely upbeat and cheerful when I was really the opposite.  Y'all haven't known how hard the last few weeks have been for me.  It's not the kind of thing you post on a facebook status.

"(5pm)Rebecca L is trying to get out of bed today.  Divorce sucks." 
or
"Rebecca L's heart feels like it's being shredded with a cheese grater.  Who knew paperwork could be so hard!"   

The whole purpose of this resolve is to be more intentional, and honest with relationships - both with my friends, and with God.  The deep parts of my heart long for the connections that I avoid when I give myself an anesthetic dose of facebook.

Even in my failure, I have gotten a few things done.  

1.  I have finally finished reading Larry Crabb's difficult to read book Shattered Dreams.  (it only took a 18 months...give or take a week).  

2.  I've also finally finished Jed's Christmas present...from last year (or maybe the year before?? eek!)

3.  And I spent most of the day yesterday in my Spare 'Oom going through memory after memory (after memory).   I've lived in my sweet Haven for over 500 days.  The door to that room has been opened for a total of *maybe* 50 minutes during that time.  Spending the day there, and leaving the door open on purpose overnight is kind of a big deal.

When I first braved the far land of Spare 'Oom earlier this week, I found a notebook filled with sermon notes from the 1990's!  (I know!  Ancient historical artifacts, right?)

Here is one that kinda blew me away, and seems to fit this post. 

Scarcity vs. Intimacy

Long for a limp

"You can have everything, God...except:
  *my ability to hold people off
  *my ability to run away
  * my stubbornness
  * my rested soul
  * my fear
  * my anger
  * my loneliness
(I'm guessing Steve Shores was preaching that week because I wrote next "Thank you Steve for opening up")

Jacob - one who reaches too far

Isaac must have been somewhat deaf as well

If I hold back from God, so also He will hold back from me - not by choice, but because I will not let Him love me freely.

In our grief, He brings us to a place where we have no choice to submit - O that we could be there always!

(Then I ask God) Why did you have to hurt my back?

(Maybe the answer follows??). Thank you for your affliction for the revealing of part of your purpose for me

Stubbornness gets in the way!!
- because of our stubbornness they only come to blind us further
- we don't see God's blessing
- we don't see other people's stories

What is MY name???

God fights with us when we hold onto our things.

God fights FOR us when we give all to Him.

To prevail with God is to cling and open up

Limp - he needed a reminder

1.  Show me my characteristic response to pain
2.  Show me how that makes me self sufficient
3.  Show me what repentance looks like
4.  Help me humble myself and actually repent
5.  Give me the grace to keep walking


Let's see what happens with week 2. 

Becca, definitely a descendant of Jacob.

Monday, July 1, 2013

Spilling the Beans



I confess that I didn't remember that this hurricane lamp globe was bottomless.  So, therefore, when I lifted the globe, I accidentally spilled the beans lentils.  It's hard to tell from the before picture how yellow the lentils had become in just a year's time.  They needed to be stirred, shaken up and re-positioned so that the greener lentils in the center could be exposed and the yellowed ones removed or replaced or moved to a place of lesser consequence.   I have been awkward most of my life, so this doesn't come as a surprise to some; and thankfully, I've never been one to cry over spilled milk, beans, or lentils.

But, confessions have been a different story.  Hidden in shame and fear (neither of which come from our Abba), sins un-confessed have a way of yellowing our hearts and hiding the life that longs to emerge.

I recently "spilled the beans" to a friend.  It was the most glorious thing.  I found life, and direction in being honest and forthcoming with  my struggle.  It wasn't an easy struggle to admit to.  Shame tempted me to keep it in. (I'm SO glad that Love's temptation for freedom was even greater!)

When it came time to stir the lentils encased in the other globe, I used a dustpan to catch the little buggers, keeping them from scattering to the floor and getting all sort of things entangled within. (cat hair, dust, cat hair...)   

...which reminds me that boundaries, like dust pans, are good.  We need to be careful and make sure that we're safe with the person we are confessing to.  

James  5:15  Therefore, confess your sins to one another and pray for one another, that you may be healed.  The prayer of a righteous person has great power as it is working.

Have you cultivated a relationship where it's safe to spill your beans?